Paradise, and a Palm Tree
P.Benjamin Singley
















Time: Late 20th century

Place: Undiscovered Island in the south pacific




Act 1
Scene 1


Setting: Sand dune- CS, raised towards stage right, Barren save for a solitary palm tree- absolute CS, Ocean Backdrop, Unidentifiable wreckage of some sort lingering in the distance towards stage left.

At rise: There’s Smoke rising from the wreckage in the distance almost entirely cleared and what may’ve been a boat, or a plane, or hell, a UFO, is now little more than a blemish on an otherwise picture perfect islandscape. A man who was huddled into a fetal wad slowly regains consciousness to stage left, the woman to stage right lay almost entirely motionless, save for her barely noticeable breathing, and the palm tree at center stage shivers in a breeze that isn’t there, almost unnaturally. Adam Rises.

Adam rubs the moisture back into his sun baked eyes, and begins to look around

Adam
…….hmm, musta been one heluva party…(noticing the wreckage) don’t remember where I came from, but ‘at’s prolly how I got here…damn…

He stands up and stretches

Christ, pain in places I don’t remember forgetting I had.

He notices the girl as he tries to touch his toes, gets preoccupied with her, forgets his position, and falls over himself and ends up with an eye full of sand and sky

heh…hehe....*uncontrollable laughter* - HAH!!! A deserted island, an ocean to mirror that perfect sky, no way off, I’m marooned here with a knockout who's got me literally head over heels, and for once, she can’t tell me “NOT IF YOU WERE THE LAST MAN ON EARTH!”

*stands up and begins frolicking around the palm tree like a moron*

Kaloo! Kalayy!! What a beautiful day! Trapped in paradise! I’ve no escape,s’right! And neither does she, so beautiful be, she’s nowhere to run from me, tee hee!

*CLUNK*

Adam flops to the ground with all the grace of a retarded fish out of water as a coconut crowns him

AHHH!!!! SONOFAMOTHERGOATBUCKINGFITCH!....hey..oh..wait..*picks up the coconut* hmm…YAHAA!!! WOOHOO!!! FOOD TOO!!!!...

Adam gets up and starts shaking the tree in futility

Hmmm….

Adam looks up and notices an abundant supply of coconuts as one falls squarely on his face

CHRIST!  GOD DAMN TREE! DAMN YOU TO HELL YOU DAMNED DUMB TREE! JUST CAUSE YOU CANT KEEP HOLDA YER NUTS DOESN’T MEAN YOU GOT ANY RIGHT TO TRY AND KILL ME WITH EM! CHRIST ALMIGHTY!

Tree
SERVES YOU RIGHT! That was the worst little bit of prose i've ever heard.

Adam
As he turns to address the girl he assumes to be conscious, face flushed with embarrassment over his tirade directed towards the tree

But I didn’t do a damn th…eh…miss? Miss?...’scuse me!? did you say somethi-

Tree
HEY, HEY! Behind you, ASS!

Adam
He turns back toward the tree, now pale, tottaly taken aback

Well, well how was I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HUH!? And why’d you hit me with a freakin’ coco…nut….…Ahhh….christ…I knew this was too good to be true…I’m a freakin nut, I must be FREAKING crazy, because I trees DON’T talk to the sane.

Tree
You’re a moron, you know that? FIRST OF ALL, Yeah, you just might BE crazy, you’ve just spent a good 5 minutes talking to yourself! You know that’s the first sign of insanity don’t you? Oh, WAIT, I FORGOT, I’m talking to the MORON who can’t figure out I’m talking to ‘em when he’s looking right at me!

Adam
…………….
Adam scratches his head in disbelief, and after a bit of consideration, throws his hands in the air and begins running the length of the island screaming in terror



Tree
WHAT!? WHAT!? Hey! Knock it off! Dammit! I SAID KNOCK IT OFF!

Tree begins flinging coconuts trying to shut Adam the hell up, and in the chaos, SHE gets hit

Oh man…whoops…

Adam
Now silent, wide eyed as she stirs awake
oh, well, GOOD JOB, ASS!

Eve
Like a menstruating banshee who just finished gargling gravel and battery acid, she explodes awake with a shrill cry

OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!! WHO THE FUCK DID THAT!?

Turning, oblivious to the paradise she’s marooned in, with enough fury to make hell look like a safe alternative, she looks at the coconut, and then at Adam

Adam
Ahhh…heh..would you believe that tree over there?



End Scene 1





































Act 1
Scene 2


Setting: A day later, same island, Tree now CSL, wreckage washed away

At rise: Eve stands rubbing the lump on her head, looking out towards the audience from DS, looking for signs of life on the vast ocean. Adam sits rocking, visibly mumbling to himself, USL

Eve (to herself)
Y’know…that just beats it all…you’d think being trapped on a deserted island with a cute guy, it’d be a good thing. No, no I wake up to this heaven of a hell, and I’m greeted by a coconut to the cranium, and then the sonofabitch who doesn’t know how to wake a lady blames it on a goddamn tree! A TREE!
*she looks back towards Adam*
A FREAKING TREE!....y’know, WE’RE GONNA BE HERE FOR A WHILE, IT WOULDN’T KILL YOU T’MAKE A BIT OF THE SMALL TALK, WOULD IT? HMM? WELL!? FOR GODSAKE, TURN AROUND!........
PRICK!
*she turns back out towards the ocean, throws her hands up in vexation, and proceeds to fall to her back and stare into the sky*
hmm…wonder when the last time I ate was.…

Adam (mumbling)
God damn tree….God damn tree…God damn tree…God damn tree….
perfect girl, perfect place, and it just so happens that place’s home to the only sentient tree ever. And the only sentient tree ever is a DIRTY RAT BASTARD!

Tree
I DO have ears, Y’know! It’s not MY fault you landed on my island, MMKay? And you know what else? I didn’t MEAN to hit her with the coconut, it ain’t my fault if she just happened to be sleeping in the way! And, And you shouldn’t have been running around like an---

Adam
Ears? EARS!? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU DON’T HAVE ANY EARS! YOU’RE A—

Eve
Just who d’ya think you’re talkin’ to bub!? I have ears! I have damn cute ears, dammit!

Adam
Gaheyyy…heh…ahh, see, I wasn’t talking about you, you certainly do have cute ears, among other th…right, the tree, I was just talking to the tree, y’know?

Eve
Right…your buddy the TREE…so, “among other things”, hmm? And how would you’ve noticed, you’ve been staring out at the ocean since I woke up…oh..oh Christ, you dirty oogler-of-sleeping-girls! You’re one of them SICKEYS!
Tree (heard over Eve’s accusation)
Y’know, I really don’t appreciate you people coming ‘round here and stinkin’ up the place, seriously, that just ain’t right, like, take a bath or something!

Adam
NO, YOU KNOW WHAT, SCREW OFF, OK!? YOU’RE THE ONE WHO NEEDS A BATH! Wait, no y’know what you need? You need a shave! Because one can only assume your mouth’s somewhere above that big ugly nest of hairy, disgusting nuts!

Eve
e…e…eh…excuse me? What’d you just say to me? What the hell did you just say to me? WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM!? YOU’RE TOTTALY FRICKIN CRACKED! YOU KNOW THAT!? PLUM FRICKIN LOCO! I once dated a guy with a serial killer past who stalked me for 8 months, and you know what? You make him look like a nice wholesome, SANE young man, you UNBELIEVABLE WIERDO, like, where the hell did that even come from!? Big ugly nest of hairy disgusting nuts!? I don’t know about YOU but…

Adam (oblivious)
What? What? Hey, waitaminute now! Now, now just hold on here, what’d you say!? What’d I say!?

Eve
You’ve gotta be kidding…Y’know what!? Allow me to clarify the situation.
*she flips out, shakes a coconut outta the tree, and beats him unsoncscious with it. It actually cracks upon about halfway through*

Eve
mmmm….poor bastard…good coconut..

End Scene 2





















Act 1
Scene 3

Setting: A few hours later, dusk, same island, tree CSR

At Rise: Lighting changed to accommodate time change, Adam lay with his head cradled by Eve, Eve leaning against the tree, all three look out into the sunset, towards the audience

Eve
Y’know, I’d thought I’d killed ya.

Adam
I'd figured I was dead. But hey, for all we know, we already are and this is heaven.

Tree
Look a’dem legs! Feel ‘er up! Feel ‘er up!

Adam
Y’know, about that tree thing, that was just a cover up for my horrid social skills.

Tree
DICK! AM NOT!

Eve
Awww, don’t worry about it, I still think you’re pretty much insane, but hey what’s it matter right?

Adam
Right, well…’bout now, I think I’d ask something like “how’s life”, but ahh, I just don’t think it’d work, under the circumstances.

Tree
You’re a dumb ass, you know that? What you oughta do is, knock her out and go to it, what’s she gonna do about it? But no, I see where this’s going, you’re gonna try and throw out some real overwhelmingly romantic, philosophical, self depreciating load of bull crap, so you don’t have to make any real conversation, and you can come off as sensitive and intelligent all at once...lord knows that whole pretense is necessary, even on A DESERTED ISLAND, WHERE THE ONLY COMPETITION IS A TREE THAT’S POSSESSED BY YOUR FRIGGIN IMAGINATION….LOSER!

Eve
Well..So….what d’ya think of all this? I mean, the whole, being stuck on a deserted island with a total stranger thing?

Adam
Well, so far, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I’d have figured it’d be a lot easier talking to a girl when I may as well be the last guy on earth. No such luck. But, y’know, I’ve got the distinct feeling that’s all part of the person I am. Full of unrealized potential, making a struggle out of the simplest tasks for no good reason, and generally avoiding the game of life, solely for the sake of sitting on the side lines. Talking to trees that don’t really talk back, when I could be enjoying paradise and a pretty girl.

Tree
You’re pathetic, you know that? Well…that’s fine, if you’re gonna ignore me, I’ll just leave…. (realizes, trees can’t walk)…..well…I’ll just ignore YOU then.

Eve
Awww, don’t mind that “distinct feeling”, I’m sure you were just scared witless ‘cause you screwed up when you were trying to get that coconut open, and it hit me and woke me up the way it did…speaking of which, you been able to get any of ‘em open? That one I knocked you out with earlier cracked open, but I couldn’t get much out of it…

Adam
Ehhh…wow, I never gave that any thought… people never think about that...how d’you sustain yourself on an island with one tree and no way to fish or grow food….well, I remember hearing “Do what you want, you’re not gonna starve.”….I’ve always wanted to be trapped on an island with a pretty girl, I guess that means I’m immune to starvation.

Eve
Eh, no big deal right? Let’s worry ‘bout it in the morning.

End Scene 3































Act 1
Scene 4

Setting: Same island, midday next day, tree back at CS

At Rise: Adam’s shaking the tree, the final of 4 coconuts falls to the ground, Eve’s still asleep to SR

Adam
OK, how long’s it gonna take for these to grow back?

Tree
ahh…heh…funny you should ask….bout a year actually…

Adam
You’re…you’re joking, seriously dude, don’t play around, we’ve got 4 coconuts to survive a year on?

Tree
Yyyyeah…actually…that’s about the jist of it…well…look at it this way, it’s like having a really long 24 hours left to live. Make the best of ‘em homie….

Adam
Well…this sucks…guess I better get crackin’ on these…hehe..now..DON’T MOVE….

*Adam begins bashing the coconuts on the tree in futility, Eve is startled by the noise and wakes up with a start, then proceeds to try and help out. They go for hours without saying a word, gradually losing concentration on their futile attempts at gaining a meager food supply, it turns into a game, Eve runs around, Adam chases her, they fall to the ground, obscured from view to stage right, blablabla, stage lights gradually, but not too slowly, fade from day to dusk, to darkness*

Adam
Y’know, I’m fairly certain I can die a happy man now.

Eve
Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but you’re still alive and able right now, and you’ve yet to bust a coconut!

Tree
I’d like to apologize on behalf of the writer for that one, it was just unnecessarily lewd. Four years in high school was bound to influence him somehow.

End Scene 4







Act I
Scene 5

Setting: Same island, a few weeks later

At rise: Emaciated, Eve gnaws at Adam’s Arm as they lay in the shade of the tree.

Adam
Ahhh….that’s right…walk towards the light m’dear…walk towards the light….

Eve
Wuzzat? Hey, hey, y’know, I never did get your name.

Adam dies

Eve
Ewwww….hey..hey the light…wizzaaaaaa…

Eve dies

Tree
‘Bout time! Guess it’s time to call in the clean up crew. Poor folks…project
S.S. Minnow…what a terrible thing….

steps out of the tree costume, pulls a bag of saltines from his pocket, and a radio from his belt

*ktschhhh* Right, right sir, they fell apart towards the end. From angry and isolated to hedonistic and desperate in less than a few days. Yup, collective suffering just kinda brought ‘em together...till the crazy bitch started chewin’ on the guy’s arm…huh? Say again sir, you’re breaking up….copy? copy? OH, no, no yeah, project SS Minnow was a success, knowledge of the inevitable successfully overcame inhibition in both cases…right…10 minutes…over and out. *ktschhhh*

Agent Tree sits around for 10 minutes, and is then pulled off stage while holding onto a rope ladder.

Game Over
Thanks for playing!